Saturday, March 19, 2011

Why be in love?

I have been sitting here thinking of the meaning of love. What is love? Who defined it? How can anyone define something so convoluted? To me I think it is the strangest feeling that anyone can experience. Once you get to that stage of loving someone, it just becomes an uncontrollable feeling. A feeling that you cannot understand. And once it is gone.. life becomes like a dark cloud; always gloomy.

That is just an explanation of the two extremes - being in love with someone or breaking up.

However, what happens when it is only a one sided love? What happens when you love someone so much and they just don’t feel the same way about you? What will you do? How long can you live that way? That is the hardest kind of love. It is very painful. Probably the worst kind of love.

So why is love so great? It is only great if it is positively working out, but that is not the case for so many people. Not everyone is the same.

Sunday, May 09, 2010


To you who raised me
I offer this thought
It is something I learned
Without being taught
In all the world
There is no other
To take the place
Of my dear Mother

Friday, January 22, 2010


Her hair slid into her face as she glanced down at her notes, the graceful arc of the dark coiffure strands sending goose bumps on my arms. The teacher called on her and she answered with a beautiful Indian accent, sent to mingle with the words that came out of her mouth, lips curving elegantly around each syllable. The English teacher adored her. The accent wasn't naturally there, but she had a refined way of rolling her "r"s and adding more syllables to her "d"s than I thought was to possible to place on the thin shoulders of one letter.

The subject of the topic is a sensitive girl, who sometimes acts as overly matured woman and sometimes as a kiddo, who can bring the world to halt with her heavenly, angelic smile. She is the cutest thing that has ever happened to me.

The afternoon sun slipping in the window framed her with a heavenly glow that made my eyes feel unworthy of the view. I wanted her to notice me. I wanted her to like me. I didn’t want her to know that I was watching her relentlessly. No, I did want her to know; I wanted her not to care.

She glanced around the room and her soft brown gaze fell upon me. For the briefest of moments, she smiled. The only time I saw her smile was when she would grin quietly to herself during class, as if sharing a secret joke with herself. Those were the times when she was most beautiful. Here she was smiling like we, too, shared a secret joke that no one else knew about. The corners of her eyes tilted and her lips parted to reveal straight, white teeth. Then she turned away, her mouth closing over the smile as if it wasn't finished; it was just going behind the curtain for a later showing.

I shut my open mouth, shoving my short, imperfect dark hair out of my eyes. The bell rang and I closed my books, getting out of my seat and heading for the door. I walked up the hall by the teachers' rooms, and she power-walked past me, her slightly shorter legs carrying her farther from me. I quickened my pace. I just wanted to watch her. Then I felt the necessity to head back to home as I followed her down the aisle. Though I hated to leave her, I changed directions and threaded my way to the cycle stand where two of my friends were waiting for me.

We did group discussion about science experiments and I worked with V and E on the million pages of work we did. I watched her laugh with N and R. She would grin and roll her eyes and blush in rapid succession as they talked among themselves. Several times, when her back was turned to him I saw K gaze at her back, his eyes crinkling as they smiled and he looked as if he wanted her to like him, too. He was in the same grade as me, and yet I still started to regret the destiny; the destiny of not knowing her till 8th grade and K knowing her since childhood.

Sometimes I felt her eyes on me and I would look up to see her grinning at N, but her hair swayed as if she had suddenly swung her head. I was praying that she was looking at me. The dark eye brows framed her eyes beautifully and I thought of the rarity of the rarity, dark hair and brown eyes. Her hair was black in a coiffure on her head, side bangs grazing her cheeks. Her shoulders were hunched forward and curved down to her waist. Our group was only a few feet away from hers and I caught sight of flecks of onyx against her chocolate irises. A chill slipped through me as I thought once again of how beautiful she was.

E caught me and glanced over to where I was staring. Good luck, he said, looking at the way she was not noticing me; E wasn't blind, and he knew that I was secretly hoping I would tease her or poke her in the back so she would know I was flirting. My heart sank a few inches, weighted down by the probability that I might not even have a fair chance.

Next day the teacher passed out the test papers. Everyone got a reasonable score. Blush crept up her cheeks as the teacher read the score. Her ears turned a soft pink, ear lobes almost blending in with her red dress. Her hair was pulled up with little strands loosely falling down the sides of her face. She dint even glance over at K. Her eyes traveled to me for a second, may not be deliberate, but Jesus wasn't I on cloud nine when she did that; albeit for a briefest of the moments. Her lips stretched into a smile as the blush started to go back. But the smile stayed for the rest of class. Her smile was quick, and deathful. As she left the classroom she had the test paper against her chest and her books guarding it. I watched her disappear around the corner as K came up behind me, looking slightly disappointed. He lengthened his strides and sped after her.

"Happy New Year" I smiled at her when she wished me. As she walked away, she tripped over the lunch bag that belonged to one of the students. She even had a graceful stumble. Just before she turned the corner, she glanced back at me and grinned. Hoisting up my backpack over my shoulder, I started to think that all was not lost.

A week after the New Year day I was beginning to wonder whether she would remember or if she would even notice me now. I walked into Sanskrit class and sat down, shoulders slumped. She power-walked through the door, probably she was worried that she would be late. Her fingertips lightly brushed the wood of my desk and held my breath for reasons unknown to me. We were taking a test today so I took out a ballpoint pen before glancing her way. She shifted in her seat and pushed her hair out of her face and our eyes met for a moment. There was that smile. Throughout the test I would just look to the other end of the classroom and while doing this I would park my eyes on her. But then it felt like I was counting the minutes, I knew I was. Sometimes I would look up in between the glimpses, and she would be staring at the ceiling of the class room (in a later point in time I gave a name to this peculiar but sweet look of hers – Peddu look), but her eyes would be unfocused as if her mind was on something else. I would have waved to wake her if she hadn't looked so beautiful when she was distracted.

The bell rang and I exhaled. Our time was up and I still wasn't sure whether or not she remembered me. I could notice her palm slightly sweaty from holding her pen throughout the test. I walked down the hall behind her as if it were the most normal thing in the world. And it did feel natural, like I belonged to a class of people whom she may like. I sighed aloud and turned to see her giving me that smile that lit up my world. I smiled too, knowing that there was no other place I'd rather be.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Stand Still

I know that nothing is going great with me whenever I struggle to pen down an article. It has been months now, except for some very personal articles to very special person, I have written anything meaningful. I am more a technical writer now than a what-comes-to-mind kinda writer. Thanks to my current job!

I have even stopped using chat messenger as the biggest reason why I used to chat no longer exists, albeit temporarily.

It has been nearly three months I have a watched a full movie. Am I the same person who used to watch at least four movies per week!

And books; better I don't write anything about them. Sometimes I turn few pages of a novel gifted by someone close to my mind. Otherwise I have stopped reading non-technical stuffs.

I know it can't happen but my mind can never stop imagining - a second chance in life. Just the thought of going back at least by 4 years in life makes my imagination go wild.

Last week I cut my hair very short, shorter than I have ever had in my life. I think I have stopped caring about my looks anymore.

I think life is in a "stand still" mode.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Love etc

Have I ever said to you-
I love you blah blah blah?
This is the only thing etc. etc.
In my many years so far?

You are the best and
So on and on and so forth-
You are the only etc. etc.
Who gives my life some worth.

Your lovely eyes yada yada yada
Your enchanting etc. smile
I’ll do anything for you.
I’ll go that extra mile.

The words you speak
Those make me etcetera. etc. etcet.
There’s no other person in this world
Who’s made me feel this way as yet!

It’s really very nice to hear
All of this, that and the other.
But really, in this day and age?
Is it worth all the bother?

I would like to say a lot
Add this and that and so on and on….
Some more of this, a little of that
I could go on and on…

PS: Well it's not written by it somewhere while browsing...found it very interesting and funny :)

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Why, Why and Why

Why does the cable connection go off only when I switch on the TV? (I am not a regular TV viewer, so do i deserve this?)

Why does a sales guy knock my door only when I take a rare afternoon nap?

Why does another sales guy come just minutes after the first guy has gone off and I am trying to get back to sleep?

Why do some people call up late at night and ask if I were sleeping?

Why do people as mentioned above smile and say "Sorry i did not realise that you had slept". By people I am referring to intelligents who are unable to understand that people usually sleep at that hour!

Why do motorists drive rashly but quickly blame other drivers if there is an accident?

Why do tele-marketing people single me out to market their products?

Why some people have forgotten that I do exist and never call up?

Still so many why(s) to be written but I save it for another day and stop ranting

Friday, July 25, 2008

Angel, chemical locha and Germany !

It was 12 30 at night. It was drizzling and chilly.

Angel called me up and started screaming that she wanted to have coffee and that too at a CCD. I had to swiftly put on a pull over and hit the road in no more than 3 minutes otherwise lest spend 3 days pacifying her.

Angel, the only girl whom I knew, was special; stubborn, bubbly and more importantly childish. I knew her from school days and as her name suggests, she was an angel in both looks and demeanor.

Now let’s get on with the dream.

She lived just three miles away from my place. It took exactly 4 min for me to drive to her place. It was 12 34 already and all the CCDs would be closed at this hour except for the one at the old airport but we didn't fancy that as it’s not a cozy place to hangout. We ended up driving 50 miles, out of the city, to buy a cup of cappuccino :)

I would do anything Angel insisted me to do and listen to whatever she said.

I was in love with her. Was she also in love with me? Not sure. Angel looked real dumb at times. Needless to say I loved her for this dumbness. On the one hand she took long to make important decisions as though deciding what to wear for a party and on the other contemplated for hours on simple things such as buying a dress top :)

One day Angel rang me up to say that she is off for a movie with her new found "boy friend" and she insisted that I go along with her.

It came as a shocker to me. Finally I agreed to go a since my love for her and respect for her word won over my frustration. I would do anything she asked. What was most painful was that she was in love with a common friend 'Fatso'. Fatso was fat with fair complexion and wore a pair of spectacles. ( I don’t remember who this person was in my dream).

I mustered up all the courage I had and went along with her, sorry, with them :)

I had asked Suraj to join us for which he had agreed after a lot of reluctance. This was a desperate measure; I had to take some one along with me, ideally a girl, but for the fact that I knew no other girl I had to settle down for a guy.

It was a strange feeling sitting at the back seat while she was in the front seat. Suraj was beside me and fatso was driving the car. The time to cover 10 km to the theatre felt like 10 decades to me. The situation in itself was worse than anybody would think. Fatso had seen us being together all these years; he had seen the intimacy we both had maintained with each other. He too was a normal guy like others. Even though Angel trusted him he always had a scar of doubt in his mind starting from the first day of their 'affair'.

I think we had gone for "Jaane tu ... ya jaane na". All I could see for the entire duration of the movie was Angel and nothing/nobody else. I didn't care to check if anybody was observing me. This might have happened because I had started feeling as though I was losing her. Hundreds of thoughts like 'what next?' 'will it be possible to live without her?' 'am I going to become mad if she goes away?' etc surrounded my weak and empty mind.

After the most dreaded movie ever of my life (due to some various other obvious reasons than the movie itself) she urged us to go for dinner at a famous restaurant at Brigade road, I think it was Hyderabadi Mahal. Angel ordered something for herself, Suraj and Fatso ordered some non veg dishes of their choice and I ordered as I always do the same dish which Angel had ordered. This triggered the brimful of anger to spill over for Fatso. He stopped the dinner in the middle and started yelling at Angel which made me uncontrollable. I could not with stand any humiliation to her. I would rip apart anybody who would make her feel sad/humiliated. He was trying to link an unholy relationship between me and her. At that moment I thought that it was my duty to defend her and gave a strong punch on his face which made him fall badly on the ground. In the heat of the situation Angel tried to stop me instead of him and gave a tight slap. At that moment I failed to understand that she tried stopping me and gave a slap because she worried more about me than the fatso. She didn't want me to make any offence. Fatso got up angrily and left the place immediately. I too went off without looking at her. This was very unusual for me as I always used to take her home before I could reach mine. Eventually Suraj dropped her home.

The fact that Angel didn't love me made me feel like a loser. Angel's sadness having lost her boy friend made me feel even more painful. I felt guilt for her plight. All these factors had a combined effect on me and my work. I took leave for a week and went to my home town. That night I was under depression and had severe head ache. Mom suggested rest and I accepted her suggestion.

When I got up I could sense a lot of changes in my dressing, environment, the way people spoke to me etc. Everybody seemed over sympathetic to me. It seemed as though I was stranded in the middle of a bunch of kinder garden school children. When I observed closely I realized that it was the same school where I had done primary schooling from. All the teachers were trying to talk with me with the same passion that they used to talk 20 years ago. Mom was asking to me go to work as the bus was waiting for me. The name of the bus was "Sree Hanuman Travels" and the place where I worked was a tier-3 town and the firm where I worked was "SBI" and my designation was "Helper" with a salary of 2000 per month. I was dressed in khakhi with no money in the pocket. I saw dad giving money to the bus conductor on my behalf. I was unable to manage my money.

I felt as if I had moved behind in time over night.

I started yelling at all and started speaking in English which amused few people around me. Their reaction further angered me. Where in the world one can see someone being happy when scolded!!

I checked the date. It looked mysterious. I checked again. It read 18 months more than the night I had slept the last time! While the situation was becoming more and more mysterious mom came to my rescue. She explained the events that happened in the last 18 months since the night I slept complaining of head ache.

That night when I slept I was under a tremendous depression of losing Angel which made me lose my consciousness. I had turned “mad” in layman's language or a chemical locha in bhai's language.

Mom and dad were shocked and tried all possible treatments but to no avail; I had become mad and it seemed to be incurable from the outset. They had to raise me again from child hood. They took me back to the place where I belong to and they bought the school where I did my schooling from so that I could start learning again. I don't know why they bought the school itself :)

Few months later when they realised that this is how I will have survive the rest of my life, they used their political contacts to get a govt job in a bank. A helper’s post is all that I could get for my intellect.

When dad and mom realized that I was back to my normal best they literally danced with euphoria!

Immediate thing which came to my mind was 'How's my Angel'!!

While driving to Bangalore I caught up with old friends and got to know that they too had not seen her from the night I went home. I started to feel lonely again. After a lot of struggle got to know that she was in Germany.

Without waiting for anyone I booked a ticket in the next available flight to Frankfurt. Borrowed some money from friends and boarded the flight.

Its not strange for me to land up in a strange place. Thanks to my previous job. Took help from friends spread across Europe to locate her. She owned a boutique and was alone there as if to punish herself. Needless to say that fatso was out of her life on that eventful night. When we faced each other both of us were speechless and eyes filled with moisture. We didn't talk for about 3-4 min. She finally broke her silence and said "I thought you really loved me; how could you leave me alone that night?” I didn't know what to say as I too was about to ask the same question!